I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
