Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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