Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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