My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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