People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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