Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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