its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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