I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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