they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
