i think my tv is drunk
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
