Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
