Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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