when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
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