I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
