I just made out with a guy for $7.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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