we're chasing vodka with high fives
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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