my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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