The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
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