Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Randomize
