I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
everyone is single if you try hard enough
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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