Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
That reminds me...we need to get swords
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
