Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
