the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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