He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
