You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
