hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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