All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
