you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
