: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
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