you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
