I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
