worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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