I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
