she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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