Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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