How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
