if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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