he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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