i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
well you can't waste a boner
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
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