I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
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