just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
