The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Randomize
