I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
