Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
