I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
