we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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