Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
