the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
