You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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