So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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