I'm going to jail i love you
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
