I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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