benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
