soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
